The toughest days inspire me to write...
It’s Monday morning, orange shirt day. Probably the first time I’ve been organized enough to remember. I put it into my calendar thank gosh! The simplest wins make me feel like a good mom, but the morning just went down hill from there.
Every day feels like a battle getting out the door. I had a horrible sleep, couldn’t settle my brain at bed, woken up the moment I dosed to my 5 year old wanting to come in. I’m tying to put my foot down here… not because I don’t love his snuggles, but i just don’t sleep! He’s basically co-slept since birth and I feel it’s time.
After a mild argument at 3 am, then wiping his tears and staying beside him till he fell back asleep. I sauntered across the hall attempting to get shuteye again. 5:45 am he returns… I know I will miss these moments, but right now it just feels so hard. If life was more at ease for me, maybe this would be less of burden… but my mind is weighing so heavy right now and all I want to do is sleep…
It’s taken me 7 years now to learn what I know about photography and actually earn an income from it. It’s overwhelming the amount of talent out there! I try really hard to focus inward and keep my eye on my goals, but some days they feel blurry. Between play dates and bookings, terry fox runs and editing, school trips and planing for the future. Grocery shopping, dinner prep an not having quality sleep… I’m tying desperately the let go of all the guilt that comes with parenthood and to realize all of the good that will come with these next stages of life. But I worry. I always have. And trusting in general isn’t something that comes easy for me.
I was listening to a photography podcast last week and interestingly enough they discussed parenting. Something I know but always fail to consider, is that our kids do what we do not what we say. I see my son holding himself back in so many capacities… I always said I wouldn’t be one of those parents that pushed before he was ready, but it’s becoming a way for him. And I can’t help but wonder, am I teaching him this?? He never really “see’s” me living my dreams. Running a business takes everything out of me. I want to do many things, but in reality if it’s not work related or family related, not much of it gets done. Add the limbo of trying to conceive for 3 + years and I just feel like life needs to go on. I can’t plan based on things that “might” happen anymore. I have a beautiful family that I’m grateful for.
Photographing babies and belly’s has been my love since I started this journey. It’s something I was comfortable with and probably the aspect of my life that came most naturally. But in saying this out loud now, I realize that it’s also the safest. Working from home keeps me in a bubble. It worked while my son was little but as time goes on it also feels really isolating. I’ve been working on listening to that inner voice, body cues etc. A few things are very evident to me… I love to travel. I love experiencing other cultures. I become manic when life is too stagnate. My shoulders tense in the city and relax in the woods. I could sit on on a mountain and look around without ever tiring. I’m a family person, but I look for problems when life is settled. I’m either completely independent or co-dependent but cannot seem to find the relationship balance. And most of my decisions have been based upon what I “should” do with my life. Can anyone else relate?
I don’t know exactly how my journey will come to fruition, but I do know exactly where I want to be in 5 years. I’m terrified I won’t be able to have my cake and eat it too. Is this something we just tell ourselves???
Maybe it’s a time of change but I feel an incredible pull for what comes next. My dad’s getting ready to retire… my nanna now has a cell phone. My older sister is using email (if you knew her you would understand!). But I’m learning that the only people who hold us back in life are ourselves. And sure there might be some things to figure out logistically.. but I have to trust. Otherwise, what is this all for??